It all gets monotonous. I have lived the same day over and over again for the past 17 years. The people and places may change but the day is always the same. The thoughts are the same. The words are the same. Every day I think, "New day." But no. Old day, new date. Recycling days and minutes and seconds. Repeating memories and conversations, smiles and tears. The consequences never change. FFW please.
Live For Your Love Every Day
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries
and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not
love, I am nothing.I Corinthians 13:2
Paranoia, fear, and hoplesness have driven me to a cold state of being. Love is what I want to be. If there is a place for love in my life, I want it here in me. I want something consistant in my life. Something that will not falter or disappear. I need some stability. Some strong frame to lean on. I need a flame of hope that will burn with a constant intensity through even the dampest weather. I've been gnawing at these icicles dripping from the tips of my fingers. No matter where I stand, I cannot warm up. Luke warm is the closest I've come to warmth. For so long, I've been too paralyzed in fear to do anything about this emptiness in me. This hole made from pain has been filled with anger, hate, and disgust with each inch of rotation this world makes. I hope love has a place in my life. I hope this ice isn't too thick to melt. Or break. I hope.
Maybe Those Pills Did Have a Purpose.
Lately I've felt like all my attempts at appearing to be laid back and normal have been in vain. All my jokes, smiles, conversations and laughs have been so forced that appearing fake was inevitable. At first I thought I was only doing it to the new guy in my life but since I have been noticing it even with my closest friends and family, I realize that I'm doing it to everybody. Putting on a front. Even in front of the people who know what's really been going on. So why? What is it that is making me feel the need to hide everything from the people who have created it? This person I have become is foreign to me. She has a completely different vocabulary, different desires, different needs, she's listless and restless. She's nothing familiar to me in the least bit. Part of the old me is still inside, but she is quickly vanishing into nothing more than a faint memory. I'm torn between holding onto her and just letting her go. If I let her go, who will I become? Will I be boring, dull and careless? Because that's how I've been these past few weeks. God. I used to be so fun. I used to have something funny to say about everything. Talking in different accents and becoming different people came so easily to me and made me feel so relaxed and carefree. I was adventurous and impulsive. I lived from second to second and didn't stop to wonder if what I was doing was right. It didn't matter. Whatever the outcome was, I always had a smile on my face. Now I get bored so easily. I have no desire to do anything and so I don't. It takes all of me to do something as simple as going out or just...texting. Yesterday, I just turned off my phone because I realized that I just don't care. There isn't anybody I truly care about enough to talk to. I mean, I really like Nick, I do. I love when he talks to me, but it's when I talk to him that I feel uneasy and anxious. Because when I talk to him, it doesn't feel like it's me at all. My remarks are stupid, my jokes aren't funny, even my small talk crumbles on my tongue. Rarely do I even remember what I just said only seconds after I send it. I find myself reading the messages in the Sent box much more often than those in the Inbox. Time moves on but I stay still. Just being dragged along through everything. Being pulled on past my world that is tumbling to the ground beneath me. Little is left of the life I had. Nothing is the same. Nothing even compares. I used to dream of running away. Now I don't dream at all. Now I'm satisfied with being miserable. I don't want to be satisfied with this pathetic life I'm living. I want to enjoy the things I used to. I want to feel that girlish excitement I used to feel when beginning a new relationship especially with I guy I just feel like I don't deserve. Finally, somebody is beginning to truly care about me the way I've always wanted to be cared about and I can't bring myself to care. Maybe it's the expectation that this will all soon come to an end and my world will once again spit in my face, but maybe it's the fact that I expect that to happen that will make it so. I just want to be happy. Honestly. Happiness is all I really want.
Recyclable.
Last night, the topic of sex came up between me and Nick. He said he didn't want our relationship to be about that, and having sex often would make it that way. I didn't really understand. There was a point in my life where I wanted someone to want me for something more than just a night, but lately I think I have been the one making it just about sex. It seems as though I have accepted the way people have treated me as normality. Somehow, I can feel happy while feeling like trash. Now here is this guy who wants me for something more than just a night. For something more than what I can do. Here's a guy who wants me for me. I find myself wondering if who I am is enough. Will this all pass? When will he see how short I have fallen? When all my imperfections finally get hit with the spotlight, will he still think I am worth it?
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