It was just a thought.

Lately I've felt like all my attempts at appearing to be laid back and normal have been in vain. All my jokes, smiles, conversations and laughs have been so forced that appearing fake was inevitable. At first I thought I was only doing it to the new guy in my life but since I have been noticing it even with my closest friends and family, I realize that I'm doing it to everybody. Putting on a front. Even in front of the people who know what's really been going on. So why? What is it that is making me feel the need to hide everything from the people who have created it? This person I have become is foreign to me. She has a completely different vocabulary, different desires, different needs, she's listless and restless. She's nothing familiar to me in the least bit. Part of the old me is still inside, but she is quickly vanishing into nothing more than a faint memory. I'm torn between holding onto her and just letting her go. If I let her go, who will I become? Will I be boring, dull and careless? Because that's how I've been these past few weeks. God. I used to be so fun. I used to have something funny to say about everything. Talking in different accents and becoming different people came so easily to me and made me feel so relaxed and carefree. I was adventurous and impulsive. I lived from second to second and didn't stop to wonder if what I was doing was right. It didn't matter. Whatever the outcome was, I always had a smile on my face. Now I get bored so easily. I have no desire to do anything and so I don't. It takes all of me to do something as simple as going out or just...texting. Yesterday, I just turned off my phone because I realized that I just don't care. There isn't anybody I truly care about enough to talk to. I mean, I really like Nick, I do. I love when he talks to me, but it's when I talk to him that I feel uneasy and anxious. Because when I talk to him, it doesn't feel like it's me at all. My remarks are stupid, my jokes aren't funny, even my small talk crumbles on my tongue. Rarely do I even remember what I just said only seconds after I send it. I find myself reading the messages in the Sent box much more often than those in the Inbox. Time moves on but I stay still. Just being dragged along through everything. Being pulled on past my world that is tumbling to the ground beneath me. Little is left of the life I had. Nothing is the same. Nothing even compares. I used to dream of running away. Now I don't dream at all. Now I'm satisfied with being miserable. I don't want to be satisfied with this pathetic life I'm living. I want to enjoy the things I used to. I want to feel that girlish excitement I used to feel when beginning a new relationship especially with I guy I just feel like I don't deserve. Finally, somebody is beginning to truly care about me the way I've always wanted to be cared about and I can't bring myself to care. Maybe it's the expectation that this will all soon come to an end and my world will once again spit in my face, but maybe it's the fact that I expect that to happen that will make it so. I just want to be happy. Honestly. Happiness is all I really want.