It was just a thought.

I have lost everything. What I didn't lose, I sold. And now I'm here empty-handed and full-hearted wondering what I have left to give. Sometimes I feel so worthless. What do I have to offer the world? What do I have to offer anyone? If I knew then all that I know now, I could have made myself a wonderful life. Instead, all of my mistakes have created this mess of a bed that I have to lie in. I think it all started when I was 5 years old, sitting on the front porch waiting for Daddy #2 to come see me. He didn't come. He never came. Fast forward to every Father's Day for 10 years, waiting for any daddy to come. He came. But not for me. He never came for me. Fast forward a year and I'm laying in a bed naked. The guy who just barely isn't a stranger is sitting on the edge of the bed and throws my clothes at me, my virginity laying in the corner of his room amidst the pile of other girls' virginities he'd stolen, accumulated and forgotten about. 3 days later and I'm naked on the floor next to the biggest stoner in the world thinking I may have well have had sex with him. Maybe he would like me then. And I felt like trash anyway. I can't walk a few weeks later because the night before Sam Smiley raped me while my best friend was in the other room flirting. 2 Coronas had made me more than tipsy but not too drunk to know that when he's pushing me, slapping me, pulling my hair, forcing me to suck him off and eventually pushing himself in me despite my protests, it's rape. And no, rape is not the same as rough sex. Oh and then there was Dane. Whose idea of commitment opened and closed according to when we had sex. "Yes, I want a relationship with you, Gabby." Then we'd fuck. Then it's "No , Gabby, I don't want anything serious." Oh how convenient. So there I was, 4 days before Christmas, in the cold, cement stairwell of an apartment building in KCMO. I'm 7 flights up from the apartment where the party is held and I'm with this douche bag, Alex Soper. He thinks he's the shit because he has his lip pierced. So Alex is tipsy and he's thinking he's going to get lucky. Why I agreed to go into the stairwell with him is a mystery to me. I guess I just felt bad about saying no. I shouldve said no. But so, he's pushing me against the wall kissing me and I'm ohkay with the kissing, he's cute, you know? But he's begging me to fuck him and I'm refusing. So he starts to pull the emotional act where he says nobody likes him and he just thinks I'm so pretty and he wants to be with me. But me, I'm smarter than that. So I try to leave. I want to get away. He won't let me. Keeps pushing me against the wall. He's getting mad. Tries to push me over the banister. He hikes up my skirt, moves my panties to the side and puts it in me. I'm slapping him and yelling. I hear someone call up from a few flights below. Alex pulls out, cums on my leg, zips up his pants and runs down the steps laughing. I cry. For months. But see, to him it was laughable. Because he thinks I'm the town whore trying to change my ways and have a come-to-Jesus moment and he just wasn't going to be the one who misses out or be rejected by a slut like me. Oh no no no. Well, I tell Mom. Mom says I'm trash. And that's it. That's me. I've been hurt, slayed, by everyone I know. And now I'm here, wanting to give someone something and I have nothing to give. Sometimes, I just feel so helpless. Hopeless. Worthless. I'm so hollow but I want to be full. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of love. I have lost everything. What I didn't lose, I sold. But without fail, I will restore all.