It was just a thought.

I haven't been sober in over a week. In fact, I'm not sober right now. I find myself forgetting what sober feels like. And then I start sobering up, and immediately I remember. So I change it. My booze. My drugs. They're all that's running me at the moment. I have a liquored up smile and high, squinty eyes. In my heart, I feel like this isn't what happiness is. But in my head, I think it's close enough. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of having to consume something in order to feel alright. It isn't even that it makes me feel good, necessarily. It's that it doesn't make me feel bad. And at this point in time, I just can't bear to feel bad. Being numb is so much better. But I know it's wrong. And I'm hurting people I really care about along the way. My sister has been begging me to put the bottle down but I promise her every time it's my last time. I promised Nick I'd be done drinking. I stopped, but now I can't stop smoking. It's like I always need something. And I just want to be filled with this immense joy so I don't need anything. Happiness is circumstantial; joy is everlasting. I need joy. I need to be ohkay with being sober. Soberiety needs to not be my enemy anymore. God created emotion, who am I to try and numb it? I want so badly to be sober and stay sober. As my high goes down, I want to keep it that way. I can only pray that the Lord will give me the strength I need to live through life sober. Because, He knows I'm not strong enough to slay this demon myself.