It was just a thought.

I mourn over the loss of the joy in me. I'm so hurt. I'm at this point where I can't bear to feel. Because every time I feel, I hurt. This is my breaking point and I'm trying my best to keep it together. I'm at a loss for words for once in my life. I can't help but to reiterate how unhappy I am. With everything. I don't know if I've ever felt so worthless. So uncared for. So unloved. So pointless, in my life. I'm just helpless right now. I'm on my knees, and I actually feel like this is the only right thing in my life. The Lord has dragged me to my knees, because I wouldn't go willingly. I've been leaning on my friends. My drugs. My alcohol. My medications. My family. For everything. And now I can't. My friends have deserted me. My drugs, my alcohol leave me feeling horrible and empty. My medications don't work anymore. My family is broken into pieces. And I remain. But barely. Scraping my fingernails in the dirt, being dragged into a direction I've never dared to wander, my nails chipping to the cuticle, I'm finally on my knees. Crying and praying. Screaming out to God in hope that things will finally get better. My eyes will flow unceasingly until the Lord looks down from heaven and sees.