It was just a thought.

I rarely think about him. But once I start, I can't stop. Lately, I've been thinking about him a lot. Not as much as I did back in middle school but much more than I usually do. I don't know why. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm on my own now. Or maybe because Mom and Andy are divorcing. Whatever the reason, I can't help but think about him. I think about him and wonder if maybe, just maybe, he's thinking of me. Silly, girlish notions, I'm sure. I just can't help myself from wondering. From hoping. I wonder if I would make him proud. Is this person I've become finally worthy of his love? I feel like all this time, I've been trying so hard to get approval from someone I don't even know. I wonder if now, now, he would approve. Maybe now he would be thankful I am alive. Maybe now he would care. He seems so close. So close but so far. Sometimes I talk to him. I talk to him in the quiet of the night and whisper a little prayer that God will carry my words to him. And maybe one day, he'll talk back. I've been feeling lonely lately. That void has become unfilled again. I find myself longing day after day for a dad. I thought that after not having one for all these years, I wouldn't even realize that I didn't have one anymore. It would be just normal. Default. I guess I was wrong. When I look in the mirror and study my face, I think of his face. When I put my pen to paper and draw something, I think of his drawings. I think of him in almost everything I do and I can't help but to wonder, does he think of me too?