It was just a thought.

I have so much to say. So much I'm feeling. Or, actually, not feeling for fear of hurting. I guess I'll just say everything. At this point, where's the harm in being honest, with myself, for once? This has no point, no goal. This has no plotline, no underlying message. Take it for what it is. Because that's all it is.

So, sleeping with Gavin. Wow. That's going much better than I ever thought it would. Somehow, sex is just sex with us. Nothing more. But sometimes, sometimes, I wish it were. Just a little bit more. Nothing big like a relationship. Just...more. It's so empty. Empty and...unfulfilling sometimes. I've realized that the great part of being in a relationship is going to bed at night knowing that there's always someone thinking of you. It's been difficult going to bed lately, thinking of him and knowing that...he isn't thinking of me. I'm ohkay with it. Really, I am. It's just....been hard. And it isn't the sex making me this way. The sex is nothing. Nothing at all. I think it's just those feelings I've always had for him. I don't think they will ever go away. Even when a million years pass and I stop thinking about him entirely, when I see him, my heart will always skip a beat. Guarding my heart has never been easy for me. No, that's not what I mean. Very few people get close enough to me to even have the...ability...to hurt me. I just care so little about most people. People are just...so unreliable. So pointless. I don't really see the point in trusting a lot of people. The more people you let close to you, the more likely you will get hurt. It's just a matter of probability, you know, an if-I-have-6-red-marbles-and-8-blue-marbles-in-a-bag sort of thing. I like to keep very few marbles in my bag at one time. But anyway, Gavin. He's one of the few people I've trusted. I trust, actually. I know this is corny, but, he has a piece of my heart. A piece I will never get back. Not that I want it back. It's rightfully his. Really. But the fact that it's missing, isn't one I can easily overlook. I feel it missing. I feel the spot where it once was. It's just this empty gap. Over time, the edges will smooth out, and the ache will numb. But, the fact that it's gone will never change. With all that in mind, you can understand why I love being around him. When I'm with him, I feel a little less incomplete. It's at the point where I don't care on what terms I'm allowed to be around him on. Whether I'm his girlfriend or just back-up friend...it just doesn't matter. So long as I can be around him. I don't know why. I don't know. I don't know why I crave being around him so much. We weren't together very long. We didn't go through anything life-changing together. We weren't insanely in love. We weren't anything out of the ordinary. But, something about him makes me feel...safe, I guess. Safe. Yes. Very safe. Something about him makes me feel like, while I'm in his presence, I cannot be hurt. I'm invincible. Which is sort of ironic since, I mean, he kindof hurt me. But unlike others, who have said or done hurtful things, the only thing that hurt with Gavin was the idea of losing him. I'm like that with other people too. With Mary... Mary is someone I trust with my entire being. The kind of love I have for her is one that can't be compared or duplicated. It's the strongest form of love there is. I would do anything for her. Anything. I can't think of a single thing I would not do for her. She's become more myself than I am. She's my soul, my life. I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul. Whatever souls are made of, Mary's and mine are the same. She is my everything. The only time I'm depressed is when I am not around her. When I start to think that maybe this life has nothing for me, I look at her and see my purpose. I would much rather spend an eternity in hell with her than a minute in heaven without her. The worst of my nightmares aren't the ones of being raped or abandoned. But of losing her. I can't fathom a life without her smile. What kind of a life is that? That isn't a life at all. The minute I lose her, my life will end. My soul will die. My heart will give up. She's my reason for existing. My sole purpose for being. I love her more than I can put into words. All the words in the world could not but hold candle to the way I feel about her. She doesn't have a piece of my heart; sheaza has the entire thing. Everything I am, everything I was, everything I dream to be is nothing without her. So, there's two people who have my heart, or a piece of it, anyway. In my life thus far, these two people plus one other are the only people I have let close enough to hurt me. Mary could easily end my life. Some would say it's stupid of me to let her that close. But the thing about Mary is that she never will. Though she holds the keys to the gates of Hell, she would never dream of using them. I love her. And she loves me. And she is the only person I will ever need.