It was just a thought.

The other night really got me thinking about life with Andy growing up. All these memories I had suppressed for years just...came up. No actual complete memories, just pieces of them. Like, hiding in the shower with Autumn when he would get mad and storm around the house with an object to hit us with. Or putting padding on under our clothes so it wouldn't hurt as badly. The look of terror on Autumn's face when he broke the wooden spoon on her. And when he was holding only splinters in his hand and Autumn was sure it was over, he went downstairs and got a metal spatula and continued while I cried and Autumn screamed. We were all alone with him while my mom was at work. Life was like walking in a mine field. The smallest movement would set him off and all hell would let loose. I wonder why he never hit me as much as Autumn. He didn't beat me. Not like he beat Autumn. Looking at her now, I understand why she is the way she is. He beat all the joy out of her. I don't remember the point in time when I saw her smile-her real smile-vanish forever.

Every song reminds me of him, but the ones that really kick me in the stomach are the following:

So, I'm at the point where I have to decide to love or let go. I don't knowhow to let go but loving is killing me. I need a savior. Save me from my brain. From my heart. From myself. God, please take me away. Just take me far away where no one can find me. Where I can't find me. You're the only one who loves me. I need to be with You. I need to be away. I can't do this anymore. I really can't. Please. Please. I'm begging you to take me. Just take me so far away. There isn't a place in this world far enough away for me. I need to be so far away that my thoughts can't find me. I can't do this anymore. I hurt so much, God. I hurt. My heart hurts so much. I can't hurt like this anymore. I want to be done. Done with it all. There's too much hurt in my heart. Nothing is even worth this much pain. I want to fall deeply asleep and never ever wake up. To not exist anymore...that's all I want right now. I'm through with praying and asking for him back. I don't care anymore. At this point, I just don't want to hurt anymore. So, please, God, take me. Take me so I don't have to be me. Take me so I won't hurt. I hurt so badly. I need you to take me. You're the only one who loves me. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. I need to be loved. Love me. Love me. Love me. Take me. Please take me. Please take me. Please. Please. Please. Take me. I want to be done hurting this much. Don't you care? Don't you care how much I hurt? Throw me away. Please just dispose of me. I'm not doing any good for anybody. I've been reduced to a mess of tears and pain. I hurt all the time. I want to be done. Nothing matters to me. Nothing. I don't want anything. There is nothing I want except to just not be anymore. I don't want to exist. Get rid of me. I'm pointless. Take me away. I hurt so much. I hurt so much. Take me away. Please, God. Take me away. Take me away. Take me away.

Why did he have to go ruin everything? It was all so perfect. Now it's gone. It's ruined. Even though what we have now is good, we will never have what we had back. And it's hard for me not to be angry with Gavin and with God. Really hard. It's the dramatic irony that really kicks my ass. The way that I was so ignorant and naive, caught up in love and pure bliss to see what was going to happen. Gavin drove over here all the while thinking of what he was going to say when he broke up with me. God was looking down, seeing me crying on the bed because I just wanted Gavin's mom to like me. God saw everything that was happening, that was about to happen, and worst of all, He saw my heart break yet again and didn't stop Gavin from breaking it. It's hard to forgive. Mostly to forgive God. I'm trying really hard not to be angry with Him, but how can I? He let the bottom of my world just fall through. He pulled the rug out from beneath my feet. He foresaw the pain and heartache I would go through for who knows how long, and just let it all happen. He didn't step in and protect me from it all like the gallant knight I'd been picturing Him as. Instead, He just watched idly by from the sidelines. He watched my heart get ripped from my chest, thrown the the ground and then kicked around and trampled like a soccer ball. I can't help but wonder, who was He rooting for? Was He hoping that I would be strong and intercede, saving my own heart? Or was he hoping Gavin would win by stealing it from me and punting it across the world, rendering it useless and filling me with an inexplicable pain?I guess there were cheers from heaven if that was case, because Gavin won.

I can't remember the last time I was this depressed. Shit, I haven't had cuts on my wrists in like, a year. It's crazy. I always have to be aware of them. And they're the first thing people see. It's like a lamp to a moth. I just keep self-consciously tugging at the sleeves of my shirt, praying they didn't see. I'm really just pathetic. I have no respect for myself at all. Not even a little bit. I let Mary boss me around. I sleep with Gavin even though he said all those horrible things to me and humiliated me in public. I let the girls at work talk shit on me while I'm standing right there. I let Mary's mom and Vince tell me what to do with my life. I talk to Nick even though he just wants to fuck me and doesn't respect me enough to leave me alone about it every time I refuse. I let my mom control my emotions. I let fear and shame control my life. I'm just a little bitch. I never once stand up for myself. I feel like everyone else has more of a say in my life than I do. And I can't complain about it because I let them. I let everyone hurt me and then I let them come back for me. I let everyone get what they want out of me even when I feel like I really have nothing left to give. And then, after they get what they want, they leave me to suffer in silence. I'm just a little bitch. That's the best way I can describe the person I am. A jellyfish has more spine than I do. A little girl has more guts than me. I'm just fucking pathetic. I'm ashamed of the person I am. So fucking ashamed. I want to just hide under my covers forever. All alone. Where no one can see me.

I'm too tired to fall asleep. I'm too weak to follow dreams. I'm just...exhausted in every way possible. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. My soul is tired. I'm just so weary. I can't explain why. I guess it's just a lot of things. Everything. Everything is taking a toll on me: emotionally as well as physically. I don't understand my life right now. Why is it "weird" for me to go to a concert with Gavin? Why am I talking to Nick? Why am I hanging out with him tomorrow night when I don't even want to? But that's the thing. I don't want to do any of the things I'm doing right now. Any of them. I don't want to get over Gavin. I don't. That's not a chapter of my life I'm willing to put the final punctuation mark on. I don't want to see anyone else. What's the point? Where's the purpose? I don't want to go to work. And I don't want to try. I don't want to laugh. But I don't want to cry. I don't want to sleep. But I don't want to stay awake. The one thing I actually do want is the one thing I can never have again. I want what I used to have.

I slept for 18 hours. Shit. I feel refreshed. Last night r00led. And my hand still smells funny. I should wash that again, huh? Yeah, well, I've said it before: There's nothing better than a good dirty secret. But I was wrong. The only thing better than a good dirty secret is a bad dirty secret. And I feel so naughty just thinking about it.

I know I've made it all day without crying, but I think I'm just going to lay in bed and cry tonight. Not because I'm sad, per say, but because I just feel so...undeserving. So ignorant and so self-absorbed. There's this great god ruling universes and galaxies and, while looking down upon all the turmoil and heart break in the world, He cares about my heart break. He cares that I hurt. I don't understand it. But do I have to? For days, I've felt like I've been going through this world unseen, unheard, and unloved. But, I'm so stupid. It's hard to not be angry with God even though I know this is all just part of The Plan but, as my heart breaks yet again, I can't help but wonder, how much more pain do I have to go through until I get to the end?

Bravo. Today is the first day I've gone without crying once. I'm proud of myself, I really am. Maybe my methods are anything but conventional but who cares? I'm happy for once and I think that's all that matters. I don't care what other people might think or say because, well, nobody's ever going to have to know. There's nothing like a dirty secret to make the first stitch in healing a broken heart. And boy, this secret is filthy.

“Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!”

I just cried.

I give myself 3 days to get over a break up. No matter how long the relationship was, how intense, or how horrible the break up was. It would be impossible to give myself 3 days to get over the actual person, because that takes time and healing. But I let myself cry, be immature, be irrational and be miserable for the day of the break up and the following 2 days. On the 3rd day after the break up, I need to be done crying and I need to have made myself at peace with the whole thing. Today is the 3rd day after the break up. Day 3. And I wore mascara for the first time in 3 days today. And I even kept it on. I feel the tears welling up inside of me every so often at random points during the day. But I'm staying strong. I'm just trying to focus on me. Which isn't as easy as I hoped since he was more of me than I am. Wow. This is hard. But I think I'm getting a little bit better. Because after I wrote "Wow. This is hard," I thought "That's what she said" and I chuckled to myself. I guess this is just going to take time. I just wish there was a fast forward button on life. Or a scene selection. But to be honest, to prove how pathetic I really am, after everything he said and the way he's made me feel, if life had a remote, I wouldn't hit fast forward. I would hit rewind and then pause.

I've finally found one safe dream. It's pathetic when your safe dream is a nightmare. Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm thinking about him, I just shut my eyes and I think about this nightmare I had not too long ago. In the nightmare, actor Chris Elliott is raping me and I'm screaming, trying to get someone to help me, but no one is around. Nobody hears. Because I'm all alone with him. He rapes me over and over again. And that's what I think about instead of Gavin. That's what puts me to sleep. That's what I've been dreaming about. I'm so sad.

I'm so broken. I don't know when I've ever felt so broken. I just want to cry. But I think I ran out of tears. It doesn't matter what I do to him, I still can't mend this broken heart. Broken it is. I'm afraid to face tomorrow. I'm afraid to face my dreams tonight. I don't want to live anymore. I'm failing to see the purpose. I want to die. I really do. Just fall asleep forever. That could be the only consolation to me right now. I'm so broken. And I don't know what to do. Somebody please come rescue me. Rescue me from my memories. I'm so broken. And I need help. But the one person who can fix me is the one person who shattered me. Somebody, please help. I'm so broken.

When will it stop hurting so much? When am I going to smile again? Smiling seems so impossible right now, I can't even imagine laughing. When will I stop crying? When will my heart stop aching? When will I find a safe memory? I just need one. But every memory is just, tainted. I have nothing safe to think about. I just wish I could stop thinking. If you can't think, you can't hurt. And if you can't hurt, you can't cry. And I don't want to cry anymore. I just want to stop hurting. When will it stop hurting so much?