It was just a thought.

I can't remember the last time I was this depressed. Shit, I haven't had cuts on my wrists in like, a year. It's crazy. I always have to be aware of them. And they're the first thing people see. It's like a lamp to a moth. I just keep self-consciously tugging at the sleeves of my shirt, praying they didn't see. I'm really just pathetic. I have no respect for myself at all. Not even a little bit. I let Mary boss me around. I sleep with Gavin even though he said all those horrible things to me and humiliated me in public. I let the girls at work talk shit on me while I'm standing right there. I let Mary's mom and Vince tell me what to do with my life. I talk to Nick even though he just wants to fuck me and doesn't respect me enough to leave me alone about it every time I refuse. I let my mom control my emotions. I let fear and shame control my life. I'm just a little bitch. I never once stand up for myself. I feel like everyone else has more of a say in my life than I do. And I can't complain about it because I let them. I let everyone hurt me and then I let them come back for me. I let everyone get what they want out of me even when I feel like I really have nothing left to give. And then, after they get what they want, they leave me to suffer in silence. I'm just a little bitch. That's the best way I can describe the person I am. A jellyfish has more spine than I do. A little girl has more guts than me. I'm just fucking pathetic. I'm ashamed of the person I am. So fucking ashamed. I want to just hide under my covers forever. All alone. Where no one can see me.