It's like he's a drug. I'm just addicted. And no matter how hard it is to be around him without having him...I don't care. I can't help myself. The torture it puts me through to see him and talk to him, knowing full well that he will never want me back is so intense you would think I would just stop. You'd think I would stop calling him. Stop mining the house for more of his things just so I have an excuse to hear his voice and see his face. But I can't stop. It's like putting a drug addict in a room full of heroin and saying "You'll never have this again." You would think the addict would try their best to get out of the room and regain some sanity. But not me. I'm ohkay with just seeing him. I need to see him. I need to talk to him. I just need him. When will I ever stop needing him? When will that happen? And do I even want it to happen at all? I don't want to get over him. I don't want to stop loving him. I'd rather stay broken forever than stop thinking about him for even a second. I think that some things just don't happen to everyone everyday. I think that, while I may find someone else later on in life, what I had with Gavin is one in a million. What are the chances of one boy and one girl falling hopelessly in love with each other? It's kind of like how, out of millions of sperms, only one can meet the egg. One in a million shot. That stuff doesn't just happen every day. I don't have any answers right now. I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I don't know what "right" is. All I know is that I have to keep on living. Breathing is the only thing I actually know how to do right now. Breathing is the only thing I really have any energy for. And, at the end of the day, even breathing is exhausting. The only reason I can live right now is because I am clinging desperately to a shred of hope I fabricated myself that just maybe there's a chance. Even though he gives me no reason whatsoever to hope, I'm doing it anyway. Even though he makes not even the slightest hint of getting back together...I just don't care. In my mind, in my heart, in my soul, is him. Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same. He completes me and he's the only person I love with all my heart. Like the seasons, love for other people will change. Old love will whither away with the snow and new love will bloom with the showers of spring. But my love for Gavin is like a boulder or a cliff- simply unmovable, unshakeable, unchangeable, everlasting. I love him. I always have and I know now that I always will. Please do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you, Gavin. You're my life. You're my soul. I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul.
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