It was just a thought.

I'm at home alone tonight. And I'm not sad, I'm just lonely. My thoughts are dwelling on him. Not in a bad way, necessarily, though not in a good way either. Just in a way of desiring him. Desiring to be with him. I fell asleep in bed with him last night. And I wished I could fall asleep beside him every night and have his voice be the first noise to meet my ears in the morning. I'm not silly or stupid. I can certainly live without him. I just...don't want to. He makes me so happy. When I'm with him, I feel wanted. Cared for. I love the way he makes me feel. The only time I get angry with him is when I think of losing him. Because to lose him would be to lose all these feelings and have loneliness and stress in their place. Sometimes, he really makes me feel weak. Lightheaded. Breathless. I'm not used to feeling this way. But I know I don't want to lose this. When we're laying in bed together, I shut my eyes and pray that I can stay in that moment with him forever. Time passing, moments changing, however, are inevitable. My prayers fall on deaf ears as the seconds tick endlessly by. I'm so love sick. But unlike most illnesses, I don't want this one to pass.

I rarely think about him. But once I start, I can't stop. Lately, I've been thinking about him a lot. Not as much as I did back in middle school but much more than I usually do. I don't know why. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm on my own now. Or maybe because Mom and Andy are divorcing. Whatever the reason, I can't help but think about him. I think about him and wonder if maybe, just maybe, he's thinking of me. Silly, girlish notions, I'm sure. I just can't help myself from wondering. From hoping. I wonder if I would make him proud. Is this person I've become finally worthy of his love? I feel like all this time, I've been trying so hard to get approval from someone I don't even know. I wonder if now, now, he would approve. Maybe now he would be thankful I am alive. Maybe now he would care. He seems so close. So close but so far. Sometimes I talk to him. I talk to him in the quiet of the night and whisper a little prayer that God will carry my words to him. And maybe one day, he'll talk back. I've been feeling lonely lately. That void has become unfilled again. I find myself longing day after day for a dad. I thought that after not having one for all these years, I wouldn't even realize that I didn't have one anymore. It would be just normal. Default. I guess I was wrong. When I look in the mirror and study my face, I think of his face. When I put my pen to paper and draw something, I think of his drawings. I think of him in almost everything I do and I can't help but to wonder, does he think of me too?

I wish happiness were like hangovers-endless and incurable.
I woke up with a hangover from hell. I drank so much last night that I am still drunk. It's horrible. I'm so nauseous. And I'm thinking that if I were overwhelmed with joy instead of alcohol, I wouldn't be complaining. In all honesty, I've been really happy. I don't really remember when I was this happy last. I keep saying that but that's because this type of joy is just so foreign to me. I've accepted that all things must end, but I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts. Tomorrow, my world may be but ashes, but today is perfect and I'm going to live in this moment while it's still here. I think that in a way, life is kind of like an alcohol binge. At first you feel incredibly happy but the next day, you can't even stand. While a hangover is inevitable, it doesn't have to be unbearable. For now, I'll keep drinking this in and think about the hangover tomorrow.