It was just a thought.

Brilliantly, I've removed my heart from the rest of me. I set it aside for later use. Much later use. Right now, my heart will just make a mess of things and more damage will be done to it. For now, I need to do this heartless. I've found a way to be happy for the time being. But if I let my heart play a part in this, all will be ruined. I'm happy. I really am. My body and mind are in a happy state of being. My heart on the other hand... Well, it's tender already. It's too sensitive for something like this. I'll be fine. I'm not worried. The decisions I'm making right now will not harm me...so long as I keep my heart far from everything. It's weird not feeling. To not hurt. But also to not love. This is no way I want to live for a long period of time. But for brief intervals, I think it's ohkay. I can't cry. I'm physically inable to cry. Because I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. Ha, it's weird. The last time I felt like this was after Ryan broke up with me. I was numb, so to say, for over a year. This isn't the exact same. I didn't choose to become this way out of devastation. I can easily make myself feel again. I just don't want to right now. Feeling will just ruin all of this. And I like this. I'm happy. At least, I think I'm happy. I don't actually feel happpy. Because, well, I don't feel anything anymore.

I trek on through it all. Through everything that has happened and is happening. I just trek on. I haven't completely registered all that has happened. I don't want to. I just want to keep moving. Because if I don't pause, nothing has time to hit me. Must keep moving. Part of me is scared to keep moving and part of me is scared to pause. Even for an instant. The night after Gavin and I broke up, I had sex with someone else. I've had sex with this guy every night for the past week. Not because I want to, necessarily, but because it keeps my mind off of things. It's a time killer. Space filler. It fills that new void in my life. That gap that Gavin left when he did.. I never meant to fall so hard for him. This was never my intention. My brain kept saying I should guard my heart. That I shouldn't fall so fast so soon. But my heart didn't care. At all. My heart was finally happy. And even though it was unwise, I let myself fall. And fall I did. Flat on my face. Now, instead of laying there for a few minutes to see what damage has been caused, I quickly sprang to my feet and ran. As fast as I could. And I have this dull ache in my heart, but I know that if I stop to acknowledge it, it will hurt even more. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt. But I don't want to keep running. Maybe it's time I man up and face my problems. But the little girl in me just doesn't want to feel another hurt in her heart again. My heart hurts so bad.