It was just a thought.

Everything has been going a lot better. Maybe it's because I haven't had time to think about anything. Whatever the cause, I like it. I don't know. It's pretty good. I think. I don't know. Gavin and I have been...better. I still just don't really feel the love I used to feel. You know? He just doesn't seem to love me like he did. Maybe it's his depression. Or maybe it's me. I don't know. But I wish I felt the love from him that I used to feel. I just want to feel loved by someone. I feel so stuck here with nobody to love and care about me. My whole family is in Pennsylvania. Andy and my brothers are moving there by Thanksgiving. Then what? I'm going to be all alone. I'm scared.

I hate everything and everyone. I don't understand what is going on. I don't get it at all. I just want to run so far away from everything and never look back. Just keep running until the wind blows off all the hate clinging to me. No matter how fast or far I run, I know I have to stop and turn back around. For once, I don't want to turn back around. For once, I'd like to keep running until my legs give way from underneath of me, and I collapse from pure exhaustion. I want to run until I just can't run anymore. And then I want to lay there, where ever I am, and cry. And cry until I can't cry anymore. Cry for days, months, weeks, years. I don't want to be anymore. I'm so tired of being. I want to give myself a break from existing. Everyone I thought I knew, I don't know anymore. I don't feel the love I used to feel. I'm not sure anyone does love me. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. I don't feel the love and I wonder if there's even any love left for me. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of fixing my face so no one can see the hurt. I'm tired of drying my eyes so no one can see the sad. I'm tired of pulling the ends of my mouth so no one can see the pain. I hate so much. I hate my sister for disappearing from me. Not only physically, but emotionally. She's not my warrior sister anymore. She isn't here to help me get through these things I have no fucking idea how I'm going to get through. She doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. She won't acknowledge my pain. I hate her for changing. I hate her for not being on my side here, ready to fight with me against anything or anyone I needed to fight against. I hate her for not being in the bathroom with me the other night as I was trembling and crying behind the locked door, listening for movement and praying for an angel to come and rescue me. She used to be there praying right along with me. Now I'm left with Fergusson. Fergusson can't pray. Fergusson can't fight. Fergusson can't rescue me. I'm so alone here. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate all these thoughts in my head. All these words that weave through my brain so quickly I can't stop them. I hate feeling 2nd best to everything and everyone. I hate wondering. I hate worrying. I hate waiting. I hate wishing. I hate wanting. I hate weeping. I hate hating. I don't hate. I love. But I'm not myself lately. And hate is the only thing my heart can feel. I don't know how much longer my heart will be able to feel. Frankly, I'm surprised I can even feel anything at all now. After all the breaking my heart has done, I'm stunned it can even feel hate. I just want to run. I want to run so far away from myself. Leave my mind and heart behind. Let the only thing I feel be the wind burning my cheeks, my legs screaming for mercy, my lungs finally just collapsing. I need a break from existence. A long one. Who knows? Maybe I won't come back.

I just can't believe she would do this to us. It seems so cruel. It feels so cruel. I hate the person I see in the mirror. I curse my reflection for not being lovable by her. She hated my face. Sometimes I hate my face too. I'm at the library. It's nice. I like doing something new for once. Every day is the same old thing and the monotony drives me insane. Lately, everything has been driving me insane. Maybe it's the lack of a job. Lack of control. With unpredictable mood swings, it was nice to have a job to force me into keeping calm and having control over my emotions. Lately, they're just completely controlling me. And I'm starting to think maybe I should go on medication. But medication is so...weird. It changes me. I don't know. But one thing's for sure: I need to get control of my emotions and fast. I can't take this constant up and down anymore. It's driving me insane. Oh but everything is driving me insane. Even sanity drives me insane. It's like, I'm so super insecure lately. About everything. About things I was never insecure about before. It's ridiculous. I just hope it passes sometime soon. I just need to get my shit together. I need a job and I need a car and I need a place of my own. For me and Gavin. That I can decorate. And I need a puppy. And a college degreee. And I need some new shoes. I need my daddy. I wish he lived here. That's what I need. My Gavin and my daddy. Here together. I need a hug.

I don't really know what to say. I haven't really let myself think about it just yet. That's not true. I have thought about it. How could I not? I just haven't let myself feel anything about it yet. Other than shock, that is. Everything is too complicated to think about. Definitely too complex to feel about. I don't know. I'm just glad to have Gavin. He means so much to me. He is the only thing holding me up at this point. I just can't believe this is all happening. I can't believe everything between me and my mom is just...over. It has to be. Because I can't go on living beside someone who caused me this much pain. But...over? Really? I just can't believe it. I don't know. Maybe subconsciously that is why I've been so wrapped up in getting Carmen to like me. Like, actually, legitimately like me. Not pity. Or sympathy. But actually like me. I just need a mom right now. I really do. I feel so lonely. And it isn't that Gavin doesn't show me he loves me-he does- I just need a different kind of love. The type of love only mommies can give. I need a mommy so badly right now. I feel so pathetic. I shouldn't feel so sad about this. It should roll right off my back. But it isn't. It's riding on my back. I'm piggybacking this pain and fear. And it's stupid. And I feel stupid. And ugh. It just sucks. I feel like this is all my fault somehow. Even though I know it isn't my fault, I still feel like it really is. And then it's like, what do I even believe at this point? It's like that game, Two Truths and a Lie. It's a total guessing game. What is the truth and what is the lie? I always sucked at that game. I'm too trusting. I believed it was all the truth. Talk about a new spin on trust issues. I'm done. I can't think about this anymore. The end.

I can't smile. Though I should be cracking up because my entire existence is a huge joke and I am the punchline. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I'm a joke. I feel so separated from myself right now. It's like I'm watching everything from a distance at this point. I finally let my mind just check out. I'm not even here anymore. I don't want to think anymore. And so I haven't been. I just want to evaporate. Just not be anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. My life is a joke. I exist to be mocked. To be picked on. I thought God was on my side. And I feel very poorly mistaken now that I've realized I'm on a team of my own. On my own. Just me. The days seem listless and useless. I find myself wanting to stay in bed. There's been so much going on lately that my brain hasn't been able to keep up with life. I'm still trying to process things from weeks ago. I can't keep up. It's just seemed easier to not think at all than to try to understand the things going on around me. None of it seems real. I keep expecting to wake up at any second. I never wake up. And waking up in the morning hurts. Being ripped from my safe dreams of security and stability and being thrust into the cold world of reality kills. I hate waking up. I just want to sleep forever. Sleep until I wake up and my dreams are reality. When will that happen? I hate this. I hate everything going on right now. I hate it so much. I hate waking up. And I hate living. I need a break from everything. A vacation away from myself and my life. I want to be someone else until being me doesn't hurt so much anymore. When will that happen? I'm sad. And confused. And tired. I don't even want to try to understand this. Because once I understand, I'll feel the pain. I don't know which is worse, being confused or understanding. I'm stuck inside a black tunnel with no end in sight. I need some form of light so I can finally see where the fuck I'm going. I need a savior. I need someone to save me from myself.

Somebody please just...trade places with me. Take my stress and exchange it for tranquility. This anxiety is suffocating and I can't keep my head up. So somebody please trade me.

I've figured it out. I couldn't quite put my finger on why Gavin seems to care so much about me most times but then...he'll do something that really hurts me and won't even care. Like the Omaha thing. I get it. Gavin cares about me a lot. Almost all the time. Except when it comes to weed. Gavin will always pick weed over me. Always. I have so many examples of this. Going back to the very beginning, when he just liked me and he was supposed to take me out on a date and instead, he came over completely high, completely late, and I just told him to leave. Did he apologize? Nope. And then there was the time when I was completely stressed out and when he came over, I asked if we could smoke the weed I bought and it turns out, he had already smoked all of it on his way over. Awesome! Every time he hangs out with Drew, I always ask him not to smoke all the weed, "No, baby, I won't!" and then he comes back, blazed, and he either hands me the pipe and says "There's 2 hits left, you can have them" or he just pulls out his phone and says "I'll try to find more." And then there's the Omaha thing. Where, I know the main reason he wanted to go was not to visit Sion but because there was going to be a ton of weed smoking. Yeah, I'm not stupid. If they were just going to hang out and weren't going to smoke weed, I bet you anything Gavin wouldn't have wanted to go. You know what? It's fuckin ridiculous. It really is. That me, as a human being, comes in second to a fuckin plant. Hey, I'm all for weed. Weed is awesome. But only so long as it doesn't interfere with life. And for Gavin, weed is his life. Yesterday, when I was in excruciating pain, Gavin decided to wait to go to the hospital so he could load a bowl first. And then, as we're in the hospital parking lot and I'm moaning "can we please go in now?" he says, "Hold on, let me take 2 more hits." Seriously? I just don't know what to do. Of course I'm not going to ask him to stop smoking weed, although I have suggested he cut back a bit. But, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bring this up. I don't want to be controlling or a bitch or anything of the sort. I want him to do whatever makes him happy. Really, I want him to be truly happy. But I also don't want to keep getting hurt in the process.

I dooo. I love him a lot. Last night in the hospital, I just kept looking at him and smiling. Because I love him so much and having him there with me...it made my heart so happy. I loved it. I love him. It's absurd, but last night, with him there with me, it was the first time I had been to the hospital without feeling insanely guilty. In the past, when my mom would take me, she would just make me feel awful the entire time. Even when it was something I couldn't have avoided. Every hospital trip was a guilt trip. Except last night. Last night, I didn't feel like I was a major inconvenience to the world. I felt loved. And really cared for. When I'm with Gavin, I feel like I actually matter. Because, to him, I do.

Why am I constantly nervous? I'm nervous about everything all the time. And I bet Gavin hates it. He handles it well but I think deep down, he can't stand it. And so I have to fix it. I just don't know how. I'm nervous all the time. When he doesn't respond to a message right away. When he's driving home at the end of the night. When he doesn't say "I love you" right before he hangs up. When he calls me Gabby instead of Baby. I'm nervous all the time about the dumbest things. And it's only because I'm preparing myself for another break up. My mind is always ready for him to dump me at any second. Well, as ready as it can be. I couldn't handle another break up. I honestly couldn't. I can't lose him again. I can't. God says He will never give you anything you can't handle. And I hope He's telling the truth. Because losing Gavin again is something I could never handle. Right along with losing my brothers, sister, or mom. The thought of that...makes me sick. I don't have a lot of friends. And I don't have very much family anymore. The very few people I have in my life, I can't afford to lose. Gavin is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. He's everything I've always wanted. And he's everything I wish I could be. When I'm with him, I feel complete. He's everything I'm not. Where I lack, he excels. When I'm scared, he's my courage. When I'm sad, he's my smile. When I'm weak, he's my strength. When I'm lonely, he's my comfort. He's my everything. And I can't lose him again. I really, really can't. I just...can't.

It's like I don't even know my mom anymore. She's just changed so much. Going over to her house and seeing her just...laying on the couch, no make up on, with her house a mess...not that it's wrong,per say, it just isn't her. I miss the mom I knew. Who always had her hair and makeup done. Her house decorated differently each season. The way she smelled like a combination of leather and Clinique Happy perfume. We went to church every Sunday. And when Autumn, Isaac and I were all younger, we had family game night every other Tuesday. I complained then because I complain about everything. And I'm complaining now because I miss it. And her. I thought this divorce would be so good for her. Bring some life back into her eyes. But she's just slowly getting worse. She used to live life to the fullest. Now she's just living to kill time before she dies. It kills me. I don't want to care. But I do. The mom I knew never would have let some man get away with raping her and hitting her children just for a check here and there. She had a strong sense of dignity. Now, I can't help but wonder if she'll do anything for a buck. I don't know. I wish I didn't care but I do. I miss her. I miss the way she smells. And I miss her laugh. And I miss family game nights.

Everything I have always wanted, I have. Everything I've been searching for, I've found. My heart, as insatiable as it has been known to be, is finally contented. Before me, I have a life that I want so badly. In Gavin, I have everything I desire most. Now, my greatest fear, my only fear, is losing it all. Losing it all like I lost it last time. I'm very cautious this time around. Very wary. I don't know if this is the real deal, or if God is just playing games with me. Last night, before I fell asleep, I told God what my heart's desires were. Peace. Joy. Happiness. Love. Everything I have right now. I just want to keep it. All of it. In 2nd grade, I wanted this Mary-Kate and Ashley book from the school book fair. But I didn't have any money to buy it. This neighbor boy Jesse gave me his allowance so I could buy it. But when I went to the book fair, it was sold out. Grateful for what he did anyway, I bought him things with the money he loaned me. I bought him a poster and a book mark. A pen and some other little toy. The right thing would have been for me to just thank him and give him his money back. But in my seven year old heart, I felt like I should buy him something to show him how much I cared. My heart was in the right place, yet I still did the wrong thing. That's what I'm afraid of right now. My heart is in the right place with Gavin. I have no other motives for being with him other than pure love. But even though my heart is in the right place, what if I'm doing something completely wrong? I don't want this to be wrong. And I really hope God looks at my heart and sees my love for both Him and Gavin and I hope He blesses this. Without God's blessing, this can go nowhere. And I want nothing more than to live out my life with Gavin, the man I feel God gave to me. I just hope I'm right.

What is death like? I've been sitting here planning how I should die and then all of a sudden, it hit me. I'm going to be dead forever. I don't know. Before I do anything, I need an answer from God. I can't just kill myself out of the blue and hurt all these people in my life for no reason. I don't know. I really am just going to have to keep praying about it. It isn't that I want to die. I just want to feel loved. And right now, the only source of love I am getting is from God. So, naturally, I want to be as close to Him as possible. And if that means leaving this life... I don't know. I just don't know. I just need to pray. I need to do a lot, a lot of praying. And this needs to be personal. It does. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. It's my battle, and I want to fight it alone. So. The plan is to fake happiness until I figure all this out. Yeah. Easier said than done.

I haven't really talked to You in a long time. But, I think I need to. Because I can't do this by myself. God, I need to feel loved. And I think maybe part of the reason I don't is because I don't love myself. So, I surround myself with people who consistently hurt me. Because I'm used to it. But, God, I don't want to be used to it. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I thought getting back with Gavin would fill that emptiness inside of me. And it did. But lately, he's been hurting me so much, that I feel even emptier than I used to. God, I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, God. Show me the right thing to do. Make me see what I'm supposed to do. Just make me. Because I refuse to see anything but being with Gavin by myself. I want to be with him but I don't want to hurt. I don't want him to hurt me anymore. I want to feel loved. Why is that such a difficult thing? I don't feel like it's too much but it's like, everyone would rather hurt me than love me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Where have I messed up? Please, God, show me. Show me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. Teach me how to love myself, God. You are the only one who truly loves me and I need You to teach me how to love me like You love me. Because of You, I don't feel totally alone. I don't feel completely worthless because I know how much You love me. I just wish I could feel that from people. God, Gavin is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be with him so badly. But, I can't let him keep hurting me. Please, God. Show him how to love me. Show him. I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to see him? How? What do I even say? I don't want to say anything. I want him to say something. God, I just want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to show me how much he loves me. I want him to love me. I don't want to cry anymore. My heart hurts. I'm trying to act normal and like everything's fine, but it's so hard to pretend when I'm feeling so sad. I'm so sad. You saw my thoughts last night. Dark thoughts. There was even that point in the car when I quietly unbuckled my seat belt and asked You to please wreck the car and me. Random suicidal thoughts just keep creeping in and I don't want them there, God. I want to be happy. I want to be filled with the joy Your love brings. I don't want to live right now, God. It's so hard. And I feel like I'm completely failing at it. And I don't feel like I'm worth anything. And I don't feel loved. And I don't feel like I have a purpose. I want it all to end. I just want to go be with You. Where I will always feel loved. Where I will always feel valuable. And where I will always feel like I have a purpose. Would dying really be so wrong? Right now, I am just so desperate for love of any kind that nothing would make me happier than to go to a place where I will always feel Your love. I keep talking myself out of it. But why? I don't think that what I want is wrong at all. I don't. God, if dying really is the wrong choice, please show me. Because I can't see how any bad could come from it. Sure, maybe it's the "easy" way out. But does it matter which route I take if all I want is love?

Wow. So, I found the courage...and it was pointless. I called the police, told them what happened, the names, dates and places, and I can't do anything about it. My mom has to press the charges herself. It's not fair. I feel like I have just as much right to press the charges. It happened not two feet from my bedroom door. How is this right? How is this just? I need to do something about it. I can't just give up. I can't. I have to feel like I have some power over the situation. I can do it. I know I can. I just need to figure out how. Ugh. Someone please remind me why I shouldn't just kill him myself?

I need to stop thinking about this. I don't understand why I'm the only one in my family still affected by this. It's really stupid. And complicated. I need to get over it. Do I need to get over it? Or did everyone else just get over it way too quickly? I don't know. But come on. I can't be the weird one here. Right? It's not weird of me to still be upset, disturbed, nauseated by this. Right? I've never been one to hold a grudge but when someone does something like this, can you ever really "get over" it? It's frustrating. And my mom...she doesn't understand why I can't just get over it like she did. Like everyone did. I don't know. It's just so...big...I can't just let it go. I need to just stop thinking about it. Or maybe I should actually do something about it. I asked Gavin if he thought it'd be worth it for me to take Andy to court over it. And Gavin said, "If you think it's worth it, then it is." And you know what? I think it is. I do. I don't think it's right for anyone to get away with rape. Ever. And maybe I should do something about it. No matter what conflict it will cause with my family. I'm sorry, but you can't rape my mother for years and just...get away with it. I need to do something about it. I need to. For my mom. For my brothers. For my sister. For my family. For me. I don't think these nightmares are going to go away unless I make them. Unless I put Andy away. And that's what I need to do. So it's settled. And now I just have to find the courage.

I hate me.

I can't stop thinking about what he said. It was something I thought I'd gotten over. But I guess no girl actually gets over feeling that way. Feeling second best. Feeling just shy of being pretty. Feeling unpretty. I guess no girl ever really accepts that. But I thought I had. I thought that by now, I was ohkay with not being pretty. I guess I'm not. I guess I won't ever really be. Yes, maybe Alanna is right. "Mary's just all about sex appeal. Guys want to fuck her, guys want to marry you. Which would you prefer?" Of course I'd rather be the one taken seriously. Of course. Of course I don't just want to be the girl guys want to fuck. But...maybe sometimes. Is that awful? Sometimes I want to be the girl that is so drop dead gorgeous that guys just want to get with me. Sometimes I don't want to just rely on my personality. But that's how it always is with me. Guys just flock to Mary. And I'm just the friend tagging along that guys want to "chill " with. I'm always viewed as "one of the guys." And that's cool and all, but sometimes I want to feel like a pretty girl. Sometimes I don't want to just be the close friend that over time becomes something more. Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I feel. I want to feel sexy and beautiful. And like a girl. I want to be treated like a girl. But guys alway seem to forget that I'm a girl too. Mary isn't the only girl here. I'm a girl too. But they look at her and just get lost in her. And I'm always the one who they just feel comfortable and cool around. Because I'm not as intimidating and sexy. Guys feel like I'm one of them. But I'm not. I'm a girl! And sometimes I want to feel like one. I want to be treated like one. I guarantee you, if Gavin had ended up with her, he never would've called her "bro."

I'm risking it all for a heartbreak I can already see. It's going to hurt. Even more, I think, than the last time. It's not worth it, but to me, it is. He's the only exception.

Would it be such a terrible thing to say, "fuck everyone"? Isn't love supposed to break all the rules? If there's nothing to stand up against, there's nothing to fight for and then it isn't love. Because love is worth something. Love is meant to be fought for. Sacrifices are meant to be made for love. What kind of love is it if everything is easy, smooth, and following the rules? I think it's worth it. Some things are just worth it and I think, if you're going to fight for anything, break the rules for anything, stand up for anything, it should be love. But I guess that's just me.