It was just a thought.

What is death like? I've been sitting here planning how I should die and then all of a sudden, it hit me. I'm going to be dead forever. I don't know. Before I do anything, I need an answer from God. I can't just kill myself out of the blue and hurt all these people in my life for no reason. I don't know. I really am just going to have to keep praying about it. It isn't that I want to die. I just want to feel loved. And right now, the only source of love I am getting is from God. So, naturally, I want to be as close to Him as possible. And if that means leaving this life... I don't know. I just don't know. I just need to pray. I need to do a lot, a lot of praying. And this needs to be personal. It does. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. It's my battle, and I want to fight it alone. So. The plan is to fake happiness until I figure all this out. Yeah. Easier said than done.

I haven't really talked to You in a long time. But, I think I need to. Because I can't do this by myself. God, I need to feel loved. And I think maybe part of the reason I don't is because I don't love myself. So, I surround myself with people who consistently hurt me. Because I'm used to it. But, God, I don't want to be used to it. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I thought getting back with Gavin would fill that emptiness inside of me. And it did. But lately, he's been hurting me so much, that I feel even emptier than I used to. God, I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, God. Show me the right thing to do. Make me see what I'm supposed to do. Just make me. Because I refuse to see anything but being with Gavin by myself. I want to be with him but I don't want to hurt. I don't want him to hurt me anymore. I want to feel loved. Why is that such a difficult thing? I don't feel like it's too much but it's like, everyone would rather hurt me than love me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Where have I messed up? Please, God, show me. Show me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. Teach me how to love myself, God. You are the only one who truly loves me and I need You to teach me how to love me like You love me. Because of You, I don't feel totally alone. I don't feel completely worthless because I know how much You love me. I just wish I could feel that from people. God, Gavin is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be with him so badly. But, I can't let him keep hurting me. Please, God. Show him how to love me. Show him. I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to see him? How? What do I even say? I don't want to say anything. I want him to say something. God, I just want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to show me how much he loves me. I want him to love me. I don't want to cry anymore. My heart hurts. I'm trying to act normal and like everything's fine, but it's so hard to pretend when I'm feeling so sad. I'm so sad. You saw my thoughts last night. Dark thoughts. There was even that point in the car when I quietly unbuckled my seat belt and asked You to please wreck the car and me. Random suicidal thoughts just keep creeping in and I don't want them there, God. I want to be happy. I want to be filled with the joy Your love brings. I don't want to live right now, God. It's so hard. And I feel like I'm completely failing at it. And I don't feel like I'm worth anything. And I don't feel loved. And I don't feel like I have a purpose. I want it all to end. I just want to go be with You. Where I will always feel loved. Where I will always feel valuable. And where I will always feel like I have a purpose. Would dying really be so wrong? Right now, I am just so desperate for love of any kind that nothing would make me happier than to go to a place where I will always feel Your love. I keep talking myself out of it. But why? I don't think that what I want is wrong at all. I don't. God, if dying really is the wrong choice, please show me. Because I can't see how any bad could come from it. Sure, maybe it's the "easy" way out. But does it matter which route I take if all I want is love?

Wow. So, I found the courage...and it was pointless. I called the police, told them what happened, the names, dates and places, and I can't do anything about it. My mom has to press the charges herself. It's not fair. I feel like I have just as much right to press the charges. It happened not two feet from my bedroom door. How is this right? How is this just? I need to do something about it. I can't just give up. I can't. I have to feel like I have some power over the situation. I can do it. I know I can. I just need to figure out how. Ugh. Someone please remind me why I shouldn't just kill him myself?

I need to stop thinking about this. I don't understand why I'm the only one in my family still affected by this. It's really stupid. And complicated. I need to get over it. Do I need to get over it? Or did everyone else just get over it way too quickly? I don't know. But come on. I can't be the weird one here. Right? It's not weird of me to still be upset, disturbed, nauseated by this. Right? I've never been one to hold a grudge but when someone does something like this, can you ever really "get over" it? It's frustrating. And my mom...she doesn't understand why I can't just get over it like she did. Like everyone did. I don't know. It's just so...big...I can't just let it go. I need to just stop thinking about it. Or maybe I should actually do something about it. I asked Gavin if he thought it'd be worth it for me to take Andy to court over it. And Gavin said, "If you think it's worth it, then it is." And you know what? I think it is. I do. I don't think it's right for anyone to get away with rape. Ever. And maybe I should do something about it. No matter what conflict it will cause with my family. I'm sorry, but you can't rape my mother for years and just...get away with it. I need to do something about it. I need to. For my mom. For my brothers. For my sister. For my family. For me. I don't think these nightmares are going to go away unless I make them. Unless I put Andy away. And that's what I need to do. So it's settled. And now I just have to find the courage.

I hate me.

I can't stop thinking about what he said. It was something I thought I'd gotten over. But I guess no girl actually gets over feeling that way. Feeling second best. Feeling just shy of being pretty. Feeling unpretty. I guess no girl ever really accepts that. But I thought I had. I thought that by now, I was ohkay with not being pretty. I guess I'm not. I guess I won't ever really be. Yes, maybe Alanna is right. "Mary's just all about sex appeal. Guys want to fuck her, guys want to marry you. Which would you prefer?" Of course I'd rather be the one taken seriously. Of course. Of course I don't just want to be the girl guys want to fuck. But...maybe sometimes. Is that awful? Sometimes I want to be the girl that is so drop dead gorgeous that guys just want to get with me. Sometimes I don't want to just rely on my personality. But that's how it always is with me. Guys just flock to Mary. And I'm just the friend tagging along that guys want to "chill " with. I'm always viewed as "one of the guys." And that's cool and all, but sometimes I want to feel like a pretty girl. Sometimes I don't want to just be the close friend that over time becomes something more. Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I feel. I want to feel sexy and beautiful. And like a girl. I want to be treated like a girl. But guys alway seem to forget that I'm a girl too. Mary isn't the only girl here. I'm a girl too. But they look at her and just get lost in her. And I'm always the one who they just feel comfortable and cool around. Because I'm not as intimidating and sexy. Guys feel like I'm one of them. But I'm not. I'm a girl! And sometimes I want to feel like one. I want to be treated like one. I guarantee you, if Gavin had ended up with her, he never would've called her "bro."

I'm risking it all for a heartbreak I can already see. It's going to hurt. Even more, I think, than the last time. It's not worth it, but to me, it is. He's the only exception.

Would it be such a terrible thing to say, "fuck everyone"? Isn't love supposed to break all the rules? If there's nothing to stand up against, there's nothing to fight for and then it isn't love. Because love is worth something. Love is meant to be fought for. Sacrifices are meant to be made for love. What kind of love is it if everything is easy, smooth, and following the rules? I think it's worth it. Some things are just worth it and I think, if you're going to fight for anything, break the rules for anything, stand up for anything, it should be love. But I guess that's just me.