It was just a thought.

I haven't really talked to You in a long time. But, I think I need to. Because I can't do this by myself. God, I need to feel loved. And I think maybe part of the reason I don't is because I don't love myself. So, I surround myself with people who consistently hurt me. Because I'm used to it. But, God, I don't want to be used to it. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I thought getting back with Gavin would fill that emptiness inside of me. And it did. But lately, he's been hurting me so much, that I feel even emptier than I used to. God, I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, God. Show me the right thing to do. Make me see what I'm supposed to do. Just make me. Because I refuse to see anything but being with Gavin by myself. I want to be with him but I don't want to hurt. I don't want him to hurt me anymore. I want to feel loved. Why is that such a difficult thing? I don't feel like it's too much but it's like, everyone would rather hurt me than love me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Where have I messed up? Please, God, show me. Show me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. Teach me how to love myself, God. You are the only one who truly loves me and I need You to teach me how to love me like You love me. Because of You, I don't feel totally alone. I don't feel completely worthless because I know how much You love me. I just wish I could feel that from people. God, Gavin is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be with him so badly. But, I can't let him keep hurting me. Please, God. Show him how to love me. Show him. I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to see him? How? What do I even say? I don't want to say anything. I want him to say something. God, I just want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to show me how much he loves me. I want him to love me. I don't want to cry anymore. My heart hurts. I'm trying to act normal and like everything's fine, but it's so hard to pretend when I'm feeling so sad. I'm so sad. You saw my thoughts last night. Dark thoughts. There was even that point in the car when I quietly unbuckled my seat belt and asked You to please wreck the car and me. Random suicidal thoughts just keep creeping in and I don't want them there, God. I want to be happy. I want to be filled with the joy Your love brings. I don't want to live right now, God. It's so hard. And I feel like I'm completely failing at it. And I don't feel like I'm worth anything. And I don't feel loved. And I don't feel like I have a purpose. I want it all to end. I just want to go be with You. Where I will always feel loved. Where I will always feel valuable. And where I will always feel like I have a purpose. Would dying really be so wrong? Right now, I am just so desperate for love of any kind that nothing would make me happier than to go to a place where I will always feel Your love. I keep talking myself out of it. But why? I don't think that what I want is wrong at all. I don't. God, if dying really is the wrong choice, please show me. Because I can't see how any bad could come from it. Sure, maybe it's the "easy" way out. But does it matter which route I take if all I want is love?