It was just a thought.

I can't stop thinking about what he said. It was something I thought I'd gotten over. But I guess no girl actually gets over feeling that way. Feeling second best. Feeling just shy of being pretty. Feeling unpretty. I guess no girl ever really accepts that. But I thought I had. I thought that by now, I was ohkay with not being pretty. I guess I'm not. I guess I won't ever really be. Yes, maybe Alanna is right. "Mary's just all about sex appeal. Guys want to fuck her, guys want to marry you. Which would you prefer?" Of course I'd rather be the one taken seriously. Of course. Of course I don't just want to be the girl guys want to fuck. But...maybe sometimes. Is that awful? Sometimes I want to be the girl that is so drop dead gorgeous that guys just want to get with me. Sometimes I don't want to just rely on my personality. But that's how it always is with me. Guys just flock to Mary. And I'm just the friend tagging along that guys want to "chill " with. I'm always viewed as "one of the guys." And that's cool and all, but sometimes I want to feel like a pretty girl. Sometimes I don't want to just be the close friend that over time becomes something more. Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I feel. I want to feel sexy and beautiful. And like a girl. I want to be treated like a girl. But guys alway seem to forget that I'm a girl too. Mary isn't the only girl here. I'm a girl too. But they look at her and just get lost in her. And I'm always the one who they just feel comfortable and cool around. Because I'm not as intimidating and sexy. Guys feel like I'm one of them. But I'm not. I'm a girl! And sometimes I want to feel like one. I want to be treated like one. I guarantee you, if Gavin had ended up with her, he never would've called her "bro."