It was just a thought.

I've figured it out. I couldn't quite put my finger on why Gavin seems to care so much about me most times but then...he'll do something that really hurts me and won't even care. Like the Omaha thing. I get it. Gavin cares about me a lot. Almost all the time. Except when it comes to weed. Gavin will always pick weed over me. Always. I have so many examples of this. Going back to the very beginning, when he just liked me and he was supposed to take me out on a date and instead, he came over completely high, completely late, and I just told him to leave. Did he apologize? Nope. And then there was the time when I was completely stressed out and when he came over, I asked if we could smoke the weed I bought and it turns out, he had already smoked all of it on his way over. Awesome! Every time he hangs out with Drew, I always ask him not to smoke all the weed, "No, baby, I won't!" and then he comes back, blazed, and he either hands me the pipe and says "There's 2 hits left, you can have them" or he just pulls out his phone and says "I'll try to find more." And then there's the Omaha thing. Where, I know the main reason he wanted to go was not to visit Sion but because there was going to be a ton of weed smoking. Yeah, I'm not stupid. If they were just going to hang out and weren't going to smoke weed, I bet you anything Gavin wouldn't have wanted to go. You know what? It's fuckin ridiculous. It really is. That me, as a human being, comes in second to a fuckin plant. Hey, I'm all for weed. Weed is awesome. But only so long as it doesn't interfere with life. And for Gavin, weed is his life. Yesterday, when I was in excruciating pain, Gavin decided to wait to go to the hospital so he could load a bowl first. And then, as we're in the hospital parking lot and I'm moaning "can we please go in now?" he says, "Hold on, let me take 2 more hits." Seriously? I just don't know what to do. Of course I'm not going to ask him to stop smoking weed, although I have suggested he cut back a bit. But, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to bring this up. I don't want to be controlling or a bitch or anything of the sort. I want him to do whatever makes him happy. Really, I want him to be truly happy. But I also don't want to keep getting hurt in the process.

I dooo. I love him a lot. Last night in the hospital, I just kept looking at him and smiling. Because I love him so much and having him there with me...it made my heart so happy. I loved it. I love him. It's absurd, but last night, with him there with me, it was the first time I had been to the hospital without feeling insanely guilty. In the past, when my mom would take me, she would just make me feel awful the entire time. Even when it was something I couldn't have avoided. Every hospital trip was a guilt trip. Except last night. Last night, I didn't feel like I was a major inconvenience to the world. I felt loved. And really cared for. When I'm with Gavin, I feel like I actually matter. Because, to him, I do.

Why am I constantly nervous? I'm nervous about everything all the time. And I bet Gavin hates it. He handles it well but I think deep down, he can't stand it. And so I have to fix it. I just don't know how. I'm nervous all the time. When he doesn't respond to a message right away. When he's driving home at the end of the night. When he doesn't say "I love you" right before he hangs up. When he calls me Gabby instead of Baby. I'm nervous all the time about the dumbest things. And it's only because I'm preparing myself for another break up. My mind is always ready for him to dump me at any second. Well, as ready as it can be. I couldn't handle another break up. I honestly couldn't. I can't lose him again. I can't. God says He will never give you anything you can't handle. And I hope He's telling the truth. Because losing Gavin again is something I could never handle. Right along with losing my brothers, sister, or mom. The thought of that...makes me sick. I don't have a lot of friends. And I don't have very much family anymore. The very few people I have in my life, I can't afford to lose. Gavin is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. He's everything I've always wanted. And he's everything I wish I could be. When I'm with him, I feel complete. He's everything I'm not. Where I lack, he excels. When I'm scared, he's my courage. When I'm sad, he's my smile. When I'm weak, he's my strength. When I'm lonely, he's my comfort. He's my everything. And I can't lose him again. I really, really can't. I just...can't.

It's like I don't even know my mom anymore. She's just changed so much. Going over to her house and seeing her just...laying on the couch, no make up on, with her house a mess...not that it's wrong,per say, it just isn't her. I miss the mom I knew. Who always had her hair and makeup done. Her house decorated differently each season. The way she smelled like a combination of leather and Clinique Happy perfume. We went to church every Sunday. And when Autumn, Isaac and I were all younger, we had family game night every other Tuesday. I complained then because I complain about everything. And I'm complaining now because I miss it. And her. I thought this divorce would be so good for her. Bring some life back into her eyes. But she's just slowly getting worse. She used to live life to the fullest. Now she's just living to kill time before she dies. It kills me. I don't want to care. But I do. The mom I knew never would have let some man get away with raping her and hitting her children just for a check here and there. She had a strong sense of dignity. Now, I can't help but wonder if she'll do anything for a buck. I don't know. I wish I didn't care but I do. I miss her. I miss the way she smells. And I miss her laugh. And I miss family game nights.

Everything I have always wanted, I have. Everything I've been searching for, I've found. My heart, as insatiable as it has been known to be, is finally contented. Before me, I have a life that I want so badly. In Gavin, I have everything I desire most. Now, my greatest fear, my only fear, is losing it all. Losing it all like I lost it last time. I'm very cautious this time around. Very wary. I don't know if this is the real deal, or if God is just playing games with me. Last night, before I fell asleep, I told God what my heart's desires were. Peace. Joy. Happiness. Love. Everything I have right now. I just want to keep it. All of it. In 2nd grade, I wanted this Mary-Kate and Ashley book from the school book fair. But I didn't have any money to buy it. This neighbor boy Jesse gave me his allowance so I could buy it. But when I went to the book fair, it was sold out. Grateful for what he did anyway, I bought him things with the money he loaned me. I bought him a poster and a book mark. A pen and some other little toy. The right thing would have been for me to just thank him and give him his money back. But in my seven year old heart, I felt like I should buy him something to show him how much I cared. My heart was in the right place, yet I still did the wrong thing. That's what I'm afraid of right now. My heart is in the right place with Gavin. I have no other motives for being with him other than pure love. But even though my heart is in the right place, what if I'm doing something completely wrong? I don't want this to be wrong. And I really hope God looks at my heart and sees my love for both Him and Gavin and I hope He blesses this. Without God's blessing, this can go nowhere. And I want nothing more than to live out my life with Gavin, the man I feel God gave to me. I just hope I'm right.