It was just a thought.

I can't smile. Though I should be cracking up because my entire existence is a huge joke and I am the punchline. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I'm a joke. I feel so separated from myself right now. It's like I'm watching everything from a distance at this point. I finally let my mind just check out. I'm not even here anymore. I don't want to think anymore. And so I haven't been. I just want to evaporate. Just not be anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. My life is a joke. I exist to be mocked. To be picked on. I thought God was on my side. And I feel very poorly mistaken now that I've realized I'm on a team of my own. On my own. Just me. The days seem listless and useless. I find myself wanting to stay in bed. There's been so much going on lately that my brain hasn't been able to keep up with life. I'm still trying to process things from weeks ago. I can't keep up. It's just seemed easier to not think at all than to try to understand the things going on around me. None of it seems real. I keep expecting to wake up at any second. I never wake up. And waking up in the morning hurts. Being ripped from my safe dreams of security and stability and being thrust into the cold world of reality kills. I hate waking up. I just want to sleep forever. Sleep until I wake up and my dreams are reality. When will that happen? I hate this. I hate everything going on right now. I hate it so much. I hate waking up. And I hate living. I need a break from everything. A vacation away from myself and my life. I want to be someone else until being me doesn't hurt so much anymore. When will that happen? I'm sad. And confused. And tired. I don't even want to try to understand this. Because once I understand, I'll feel the pain. I don't know which is worse, being confused or understanding. I'm stuck inside a black tunnel with no end in sight. I need some form of light so I can finally see where the fuck I'm going. I need a savior. I need someone to save me from myself.