I just can't believe she would do this to us. It seems so cruel. It feels so cruel. I hate the person I see in the mirror. I curse my reflection for not being lovable by her. She hated my face. Sometimes I hate my face too. I'm at the library. It's nice. I like doing something new for once. Every day is the same old thing and the monotony drives me insane. Lately, everything has been driving me insane. Maybe it's the lack of a job. Lack of control. With unpredictable mood swings, it was nice to have a job to force me into keeping calm and having control over my emotions. Lately, they're just completely controlling me. And I'm starting to think maybe I should go on medication. But medication is so...weird. It changes me. I don't know. But one thing's for sure: I need to get control of my emotions and fast. I can't take this constant up and down anymore. It's driving me insane. Oh but everything is driving me insane. Even sanity drives me insane. It's like, I'm so super insecure lately. About everything. About things I was never insecure about before. It's ridiculous. I just hope it passes sometime soon. I just need to get my shit together. I need a job and I need a car and I need a place of my own. For me and Gavin. That I can decorate. And I need a puppy. And a college degreee. And I need some new shoes. I need my daddy. I wish he lived here. That's what I need. My Gavin and my daddy. Here together. I need a hug.
Ugh.
I don't really know what to say. I haven't really let myself think about it just yet. That's not true. I have thought about it. How could I not? I just haven't let myself feel anything about it yet. Other than shock, that is. Everything is too complicated to think about. Definitely too complex to feel about. I don't know. I'm just glad to have Gavin. He means so much to me. He is the only thing holding me up at this point. I just can't believe this is all happening. I can't believe everything between me and my mom is just...over. It has to be. Because I can't go on living beside someone who caused me this much pain. But...over? Really? I just can't believe it. I don't know. Maybe subconsciously that is why I've been so wrapped up in getting Carmen to like me. Like, actually, legitimately like me. Not pity. Or sympathy. But actually like me. I just need a mom right now. I really do. I feel so lonely. And it isn't that Gavin doesn't show me he loves me-he does- I just need a different kind of love. The type of love only mommies can give. I need a mommy so badly right now. I feel so pathetic. I shouldn't feel so sad about this. It should roll right off my back. But it isn't. It's riding on my back. I'm piggybacking this pain and fear. And it's stupid. And I feel stupid. And ugh. It just sucks. I feel like this is all my fault somehow. Even though I know it isn't my fault, I still feel like it really is. And then it's like, what do I even believe at this point? It's like that game, Two Truths and a Lie. It's a total guessing game. What is the truth and what is the lie? I always sucked at that game. I'm too trusting. I believed it was all the truth. Talk about a new spin on trust issues. I'm done. I can't think about this anymore. The end.
