It was just a thought.

I don't really know what to say. I haven't really let myself think about it just yet. That's not true. I have thought about it. How could I not? I just haven't let myself feel anything about it yet. Other than shock, that is. Everything is too complicated to think about. Definitely too complex to feel about. I don't know. I'm just glad to have Gavin. He means so much to me. He is the only thing holding me up at this point. I just can't believe this is all happening. I can't believe everything between me and my mom is just...over. It has to be. Because I can't go on living beside someone who caused me this much pain. But...over? Really? I just can't believe it. I don't know. Maybe subconsciously that is why I've been so wrapped up in getting Carmen to like me. Like, actually, legitimately like me. Not pity. Or sympathy. But actually like me. I just need a mom right now. I really do. I feel so lonely. And it isn't that Gavin doesn't show me he loves me-he does- I just need a different kind of love. The type of love only mommies can give. I need a mommy so badly right now. I feel so pathetic. I shouldn't feel so sad about this. It should roll right off my back. But it isn't. It's riding on my back. I'm piggybacking this pain and fear. And it's stupid. And I feel stupid. And ugh. It just sucks. I feel like this is all my fault somehow. Even though I know it isn't my fault, I still feel like it really is. And then it's like, what do I even believe at this point? It's like that game, Two Truths and a Lie. It's a total guessing game. What is the truth and what is the lie? I always sucked at that game. I'm too trusting. I believed it was all the truth. Talk about a new spin on trust issues. I'm done. I can't think about this anymore. The end.