It was just a thought.

I hate everything and everyone. I don't understand what is going on. I don't get it at all. I just want to run so far away from everything and never look back. Just keep running until the wind blows off all the hate clinging to me. No matter how fast or far I run, I know I have to stop and turn back around. For once, I don't want to turn back around. For once, I'd like to keep running until my legs give way from underneath of me, and I collapse from pure exhaustion. I want to run until I just can't run anymore. And then I want to lay there, where ever I am, and cry. And cry until I can't cry anymore. Cry for days, months, weeks, years. I don't want to be anymore. I'm so tired of being. I want to give myself a break from existing. Everyone I thought I knew, I don't know anymore. I don't feel the love I used to feel. I'm not sure anyone does love me. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. I don't feel the love and I wonder if there's even any love left for me. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of fixing my face so no one can see the hurt. I'm tired of drying my eyes so no one can see the sad. I'm tired of pulling the ends of my mouth so no one can see the pain. I hate so much. I hate my sister for disappearing from me. Not only physically, but emotionally. She's not my warrior sister anymore. She isn't here to help me get through these things I have no fucking idea how I'm going to get through. She doesn't even acknowledge me anymore. She won't acknowledge my pain. I hate her for changing. I hate her for not being on my side here, ready to fight with me against anything or anyone I needed to fight against. I hate her for not being in the bathroom with me the other night as I was trembling and crying behind the locked door, listening for movement and praying for an angel to come and rescue me. She used to be there praying right along with me. Now I'm left with Fergusson. Fergusson can't pray. Fergusson can't fight. Fergusson can't rescue me. I'm so alone here. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate all these thoughts in my head. All these words that weave through my brain so quickly I can't stop them. I hate feeling 2nd best to everything and everyone. I hate wondering. I hate worrying. I hate waiting. I hate wishing. I hate wanting. I hate weeping. I hate hating. I don't hate. I love. But I'm not myself lately. And hate is the only thing my heart can feel. I don't know how much longer my heart will be able to feel. Frankly, I'm surprised I can even feel anything at all now. After all the breaking my heart has done, I'm stunned it can even feel hate. I just want to run. I want to run so far away from myself. Leave my mind and heart behind. Let the only thing I feel be the wind burning my cheeks, my legs screaming for mercy, my lungs finally just collapsing. I need a break from existence. A long one. Who knows? Maybe I won't come back.