It was just a thought.

It's like he's changing into a better man every day that goes by. I don't fully understand it but you certainly won't hear me complaining about it. I was getting so frustrated. So very fed up. And just when I knew I couldn't handle any more of it...it stopped. It'so refreshing. I feel like we're back to where we were at the beginning. I feel like we're getting a second shot. I really don't want to blow it again. I feel as though we were meant to be where we are right now. I hope I'm right. I hope it isn't just wishful thinking on my part. I'm so happy things are finally going in the right direction for us. We've been communicating so much better and...laughing together. Which, for us, is semi-new. It had been a while since we had last had a really good laugh together. But it happened. And it just keeps on happening. I'm loving it. It feels so amazing to have someone to share my days with.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Not that I ever really stopped. I tell myself you're dead. Because that's exactly what it's like. You're not here anymore. No shred of you is here. I don't know who this new person is, but she's nothing like you. All I want to do is talk to you, Mom. I just want to hear your voice again. But you aren't you. You're a complete stranger. And I want to talk to the you I've always known. I remember one time you told me I was the best decision you've ever made. I remember when I would crawl into bed with you. I remember when I used to lay my head in your lap when we were watching tv on the couch and you'd brush my hair with you fingers like you'd always do. I remember when I didn't have to be afraid. Because I remember when you would do anything for me. I just want that one more time. Just once more. I want to lay my head in your lap one more time. Make me feel safe again, one more time. Just love me again, one more time. I'm so sorry I forgot to pick you up boxes that night I was out with Gavin. I'm so sorry. I wish I could just go back in time and change it. I wonder what things would look like now if I had brought back the boxes like you asked me to. I'm sorry, Mom. I wish I could change it. I wish I could fix our broken family. Autumn is so angry with you. I don't know when or if she'll ever be her old self again. I'm so worried. Isaac is so angry too. Isaiah really misses you, but Isaac is helping him to be strong. I'm most concerned about Miles. He's so young. He's starting off his life with a broken heart, and it breaks mine. I want to fix everything and I...oh, I just can't. It's awful. I wish you were still here. Sometimes, I pray to you and ask you for advice and I ask you to look out for us. And then I remember you aren't dead. You're just gone. Forever. I want to just rewind. And pause while I fix everything. I wish you were here, Mom. I'm laying in bed and I wish you were here next to me. Running your fingers through my hair like you used to do. Making me feel safe like you used to do. Comforting me like you used to do. Loving me like you used to do.

It's been a year since everything went down. I felt like I've healed. Until last night. I was at Zeke's church and while I was very uncomfortable through a portion of it, I couldn't help but cry from the overwhelming joy in the whole place. There was such...joy that I just couldn't comprehend. It was then that I realized how sad I truly am inside. It's true. Sometimes, I get happy. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I laugh. I have felt happy. By joyful...no. Not in the slightest. I feel like everything has always happened to me one thing after the next. After the next, after the next. It's exhausting. I suppose it was exhaustion that ultimately led me to this state of inner despair. My soul and my heart are still mending. I thought that I was totally healed. Totally over it. Over everything. But I've often said that I was born with a broken heart. And it's true. I guess I just haven't healed completely. Like I thought I had. Oh well. I don't know what to do about Gavin. I don't know. Why does he have to get so jealous about everything and everyone? I have 2 friends. Stephen and Steven. Gavin doesn't care about how happy it makes me to have actual friends since I haven't had one since high school. All he sees is their gender. He doesn't care if I've had fun or not. He doesn't even care to know what we did. He doesn't care about me anymore since I have friends other than him now. I want to run away. It doesn't matter that I want so much with him. I feel like he's out to destroy everything we have just to prove a point. I don't know what I will do then. I'm just hoping he just lets everything go. So we can just continue growing in our relationship. Ugh. I'm so stressed out about it. I just don't understand why this has to be such a big deal. He doesn't care about me or what I want or what I need. All he cares about is keeping me all to himself. Like some kind of prize he has won. I need him to let it go. And care about me. About me and who I am. Lord, help him see what I need and how he is hurting me like this. We haven't been living on our own for 2 weeks yet and somehow we're already being torn apart. God. How am I supposed to heal when I feel like this?

Lately I feel like all I have been doing is making decisions. Big ones. And I really hope I'm making the right ones. The thing about big decisions though, is that sometimes you never know if they were right or wrong until it's too late to turn back and change it. I guess gut instinct is the only thing you can really go on, but exactly how reliable is it? I wish I could Google the "right" decisions to my problems. There are so many decisions right now. So many. Moving in with Gavin. For real. Like, rent and budgets and...so much. And I'm excited about it but scared at the same time. I just wish I had some sort of answer. Confirmation that all of this is good and isn't going to ruin my life 5 years from now. Or sooner. I wish the answers were in the back of the book for this. I wish there were a book for this. I wish everything were a lot more cut and dry. Not so blurry and fuzzy and...ugh. Complicated. I just want to make sure all of this is good for my life. That's it. I need to know all of this is good for me. I need all of this to be good for me. I need to have a good life. And I really need to make good decisions here. All eyes are on me. Am I going to be a loser mess-up like my mother? Or am I going to make a successful, fulfilling life for myself? The pressure is on and all I want is to make sure I'm right. I'm doing right. I need to do right. All eyes are on me. All of them. And I need to do right. Is there some sort of teacher's edition I can get for this sort of stuff?