It was just a thought.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Not that I ever really stopped. I tell myself you're dead. Because that's exactly what it's like. You're not here anymore. No shred of you is here. I don't know who this new person is, but she's nothing like you. All I want to do is talk to you, Mom. I just want to hear your voice again. But you aren't you. You're a complete stranger. And I want to talk to the you I've always known. I remember one time you told me I was the best decision you've ever made. I remember when I would crawl into bed with you. I remember when I used to lay my head in your lap when we were watching tv on the couch and you'd brush my hair with you fingers like you'd always do. I remember when I didn't have to be afraid. Because I remember when you would do anything for me. I just want that one more time. Just once more. I want to lay my head in your lap one more time. Make me feel safe again, one more time. Just love me again, one more time. I'm so sorry I forgot to pick you up boxes that night I was out with Gavin. I'm so sorry. I wish I could just go back in time and change it. I wonder what things would look like now if I had brought back the boxes like you asked me to. I'm sorry, Mom. I wish I could change it. I wish I could fix our broken family. Autumn is so angry with you. I don't know when or if she'll ever be her old self again. I'm so worried. Isaac is so angry too. Isaiah really misses you, but Isaac is helping him to be strong. I'm most concerned about Miles. He's so young. He's starting off his life with a broken heart, and it breaks mine. I want to fix everything and I...oh, I just can't. It's awful. I wish you were still here. Sometimes, I pray to you and ask you for advice and I ask you to look out for us. And then I remember you aren't dead. You're just gone. Forever. I want to just rewind. And pause while I fix everything. I wish you were here, Mom. I'm laying in bed and I wish you were here next to me. Running your fingers through my hair like you used to do. Making me feel safe like you used to do. Comforting me like you used to do. Loving me like you used to do.