It's been a year since everything went down. I felt like I've healed. Until last night. I was at Zeke's church and while I was very uncomfortable through a portion of it, I couldn't help but cry from the overwhelming joy in the whole place. There was such...joy that I just couldn't comprehend. It was then that I realized how sad I truly am inside. It's true. Sometimes, I get happy. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I laugh. I have felt happy. By joyful...no. Not in the slightest. I feel like everything has always happened to me one thing after the next. After the next, after the next. It's exhausting. I suppose it was exhaustion that ultimately led me to this state of inner despair. My soul and my heart are still mending. I thought that I was totally healed. Totally over it. Over everything. But I've often said that I was born with a broken heart. And it's true. I guess I just haven't healed completely. Like I thought I had. Oh well. I don't know what to do about Gavin. I don't know. Why does he have to get so jealous about everything and everyone? I have 2 friends. Stephen and Steven. Gavin doesn't care about how happy it makes me to have actual friends since I haven't had one since high school. All he sees is their gender. He doesn't care if I've had fun or not. He doesn't even care to know what we did. He doesn't care about me anymore since I have friends other than him now. I want to run away. It doesn't matter that I want so much with him. I feel like he's out to destroy everything we have just to prove a point. I don't know what I will do then. I'm just hoping he just lets everything go. So we can just continue growing in our relationship. Ugh. I'm so stressed out about it. I just don't understand why this has to be such a big deal. He doesn't care about me or what I want or what I need. All he cares about is keeping me all to himself. Like some kind of prize he has won. I need him to let it go. And care about me. About me and who I am. Lord, help him see what I need and how he is hurting me like this. We haven't been living on our own for 2 weeks yet and somehow we're already being torn apart. God. How am I supposed to heal when I feel like this?
Why is All of This So Grey?
Lately I feel like all I have been doing is making decisions. Big ones. And I really hope I'm making the right ones. The thing about big decisions though, is that sometimes you never know if they were right or wrong until it's too late to turn back and change it. I guess gut instinct is the only thing you can really go on, but exactly how reliable is it? I wish I could Google the "right" decisions to my problems. There are so many decisions right now. So many. Moving in with Gavin. For real. Like, rent and budgets and...so much. And I'm excited about it but scared at the same time. I just wish I had some sort of answer. Confirmation that all of this is good and isn't going to ruin my life 5 years from now. Or sooner. I wish the answers were in the back of the book for this. I wish there were a book for this. I wish everything were a lot more cut and dry. Not so blurry and fuzzy and...ugh. Complicated. I just want to make sure all of this is good for my life. That's it. I need to know all of this is good for me. I need all of this to be good for me. I need to have a good life. And I really need to make good decisions here. All eyes are on me. Am I going to be a loser mess-up like my mother? Or am I going to make a successful, fulfilling life for myself? The pressure is on and all I want is to make sure I'm right. I'm doing right. I need to do right. All eyes are on me. All of them. And I need to do right. Is there some sort of teacher's edition I can get for this sort of stuff?
