It was just a thought.

I think that it isn't very normal for happiness to worry people. I think that it's just me. For the past few months, my life has been mediocre, and I've been completely happy with that. Only now, since I find myself often elated, do I worry. I'm used to disasters. I'm used to depression. I'm used to decency. It's pure, unadulterated happiness that leaves me truly dumbfounded. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about being this happy. Part of me wants to just bask in it while it lasts but the cautious part of me won't let myself do that. Part of me just will not let me forget who I really am and what my life is really like. Almost as a foreboding, my dreams lately have been haunted with the ghosts that pervaded my life years past. Nightmares of the rapes and of my dad visit me in my sleep every night. Just reminding me of what my life really looks like. Telling me that this happiness is but a temporary state of being and that, as always, my world will fall apart at the end of it all. Alanna tried to reassure me the other day by suggesting that maybe it was just about time for my life to start getting good and actually stay good. I pretended to agree with her but deep down, though not so deep at all, I know that things in my life aren't supposed to stay good for very long. If I haven't learned anything else from my life thus far, I have learned that things for me are supposed to be difficult and things for me are supposed to be painful. I always get through it. Whatever it may be at the time. But it's always painfully difficult and difficultly painful. My mom says I'm cynical, but really, I think I'm just realistic. At this point in time I'm very happy but I know, that in just a brief moment, I will find myself standing at the base of yet another enormous mountain I am forced to climb, my happiness and feelings of elation left miles behind.